Cinderella in crisis.

What the hell am I doing? Do I even know what love is? I have been in love with the same boy for a while now. I don't know how I grew to love this guy so much, but no matter what I do he is in the back of my head. Some say it is infatuation... I don't believe so. That would be crazy. I think it is that I truly love him. It makes me sick to love him, and I wish I could change it. But I can't. I like to believe in soul mates.. Is he mine? He must be. Otherwise, I wouldn't go crazy when I hear his name. I feel like the world is against us at times. We have been through so much, and have led different lives. At the end of the day though, he is what I want. I love seeing him, even when I hate him the most. Many great men have tried to get me away from him, and failed. Or they do get me away from him for a while, but I always go back. Do I like self inflicted torture? Do I go on and pretend that one day we will be perfect, just like Cinderella and Prince Charming. I guess that is how I can explain us. I am the lowly Cinderella, and he is Prince Charming (well, kind of anyways.) He is incredible. He has the power to build me up higher than I could ever care to go... Although he also has the power to destroy me, and he can do that with his pinky finger. I find myself at a crossroad.. Do I put everything on the line for him? Deep down I feel like we will end up together... So do I waste my time dating other people? Or do I wait for him to come around? There is no easy answer, and God I wish there was. Is love always this confusing? I don't get it. I guess I just wait.. I just wait and maybe the time will come when I know in my heart what my future holds.. It will either include him, or not.. It is that simple... I hate the dumb fuck, I hate him so much that my feelings backfire constantly and then I find myself loving him more.. I miss the days in middle school when relationships were so easy! "Will you go out with me? I love you." That simple, sweet and innocent. Why can't I go back to those times? Would my life be better if I had never reconnected with this man who owns my heart? The answer is yes. HOWEVER- If we end up together, I feel like all of this torture will be worth it. God, give me an answer. Tonka, I hate you.

Kids say the darnest things!

I am tired. I was tired when I got home. Im still fucking tired. And I will prob continue to be tired for the next 5 hours when I finally go to sleep. Either way, an interesting thing happened to me today...
My mother's goddaughter's name is Gracie. She is 10 years old and such a sweet girl. I love Gracie, and I remember when she was first born. Isn't that incredible? To remember somebody as a baby, and then watch them get taller and taller? My, how our parents must feel! Anyways.. back to the point.. When I walked in to say hi to Gracie we did the usual "hello, aren't you pretty, bla bla bla." But it couldn't be left at that now could it? Oh no! Poor sweet little Gracie, as innocent as can be looks up to me and asks, so pleasantly I might add.. "Charlotte, When are you going to have your baby." So this is how that coversation went...
C: Gracie, I am not having a baby.
G: Oh yes you are, Nanna (her very sweet grandmother who I love very much) said that you were having a baby.
C: Well, Im not Gracie.
G: Yes you are.
C: No Gracie I am not. (It is at this point that I realize I will not win this arguement, so I decide to change tactics.)
C: Gracie, Your grandmother lied to you.
G: (Shocked) NO SHE DIDN"T!
C: Im sorry gracie, but nanna lied to you. I am not having a baby.
G: My nanna doesn't LIE!
(So now my mother gets involved. Mind you, my mother is somewhat nervously laughing in the background. Mom is prob wondering if I am upset, or if I am ok. Overall, I handle this convo pretty well. My mother tells me that I need to tell G the truth. Mom=M)
M: Char, Tell her the truth.
C: gracie, Im sorry. But your nanna did lie to you.
M: CHARLOTTE!
G: When are you having the baby?
C: Gracie, the baby died.
G: No it didn't.
(At this point I am think, seriously? I am telling you my fucking baby died and you are accusing me of lying? Little bitch, oh wait... She is only a 10 year old. I realize I need to be sensitive.)
C: Gracie, the baby died in my tummy honey. (notice, I used the word honey. It shows my sensitivity.)
G: Really?
M: Yes Gracie, Char is not pregnant.
G: Oh my God.
C: Its ok Gracie.
G: I cant believe your baby died Charlotte!
C: Really, it's fine.
G: (I swear to God this is what she said) Somebody needs a very big hug then!
(Mom busts out with laughter)
C: Ugh... No, Im ok Gracie. Thanks though.
(At this point I put a couple of my dogs in between Gracie and I, thinking it would solve this hugging bullshit.)
G: Charlotte needs a hug! (And she is saying this dead serious like)
C: (Under my breath I say fuck... then go to her) Ok Gracie.
(We hug now, for about 2.3 seconds. max)
G: Would your baby have been a girl or boy?
C: Um... It would have been a little Gracie.. (Which is a lie because I think the kid would have been a boy who would have been born this past week and whose name would be Archer.)
G: Oh I see... Gracie Junior... You would have called her Gracie Jr.
C: yes, I like that name. Gracie Jr.
I then go take a shower. I would love to be a 10 year old again. They seem to have so much more wisdom than any dumb 25 year old! At the end of the day, I learned a lot from Gracie today. I learned that (1) People still care, which is nice to know sometimes and (2) If I hadn't had the miscarriage, my baby boy would have apparently been named Gracie Junior.