Men give me headaches

I wish I could understand the thought process of a man. Better yet, I wish I could understand my own thought process. For now, I just want to say fuck all men. No, not literally.. but just screw them all.. None of the men that I know at this point in my life will I end up married to, right? Lord, I would probably be stupid enough to marry 1 or 2 of them. What the hell is my problem? It is so frustrating. I am staying away from them. Men are evil. I won't worry about rleationships till Im in my 30's. For now, I am 25, pretty, and have some things going for me. Men equals headaches. I am bitter, so what?

Weeds to blow

Today I was doing yard work with my roomate. Towards the end of the slave driving session, I picked up one of those pretty white balls of weed. You know which one I am talking about right? They aren't very pretty honestly, but if you blow on them the little white furries go every where. I am not sure what they are called, but I know that my roomate was a little upset when I started blowing on them. I tend to forget the more important facts of life. For example, those white furries that I find to be so beautiful are seeds. These seeds go every where, when an idiot like myself (or the wind) blows on them. Ooops. Sorry Sarah for potentially spreading weeds all over your yard. For the record she was not too mad, she is a very good sport and like most people in my life is pretty forgiving of Charlotte stupidity. I couldn't help but think that those little white furries could also reflect on my problems. There are thousand white furries in the yard now, and each represents a different problem. I seem to be good at spreading my problems, especially with relationships. These flurries, my problems, can only be made a bigger of a problem with my help. See what I am doing here? Im being deep damn it. By blowing on that weed, I am spreading problems in the future. What can I learn from this? That I shouldn't fan the flames. Some how those little white furries translate in Charlotte mind as the following examples: 1. drunk texting a boyfriend, 2. not saving money, etc. Shit. In a few months, when Sarah is spreading weed killer all over her front yard, I hope that I will have found a "weed killer" to my problems. Over all, today I would like to stop fanning the flame. I hope by trying to sound smart, I haven't confused you. Jesus. I need a shit load of weed killer for my life, but for now Ill just stop blowing on the weeds.

Crying at FCCJ

I am sitting here at the FCCJ library listening to a woman cry. It seems that she is having a bad day, and sitting at the computer next to mine. Every time I get close enough to see what she is doing the computer, she looks at me as if I am spying. Yes, I am spying, but if this bitch is disturbing my hard studying then don't I deserve to know what all the fuss is about? Did her boyfriend dump her? Did her grandpa die? Maybe her dog is sick. Whatever the problem is, I want to know. Then I think to myself, I could sit at my computer and cry. Im sad. I could probably come up with a few tears to shed. Are my problems any worse than depressed girls sitting next to me? Are hers worse than mine? Probably. I keep coming up with possible problems she is having, each one is more troublesome than the next. Is she over reacting? Maybe she got a B on a test, and she deserved an A? Either way, why do I care and why is it my concern? It isn't. I guess I am just nosey. Charlotte.. you are a lunatic at best. I guess that I have come to appreciate poor crying girl at the FCCJ library. She is making me realize that everybody has problems. Who judges whose problems are worse? God. I guess that is the only answer. On this rainy Tuesday I revaluate my life and my problems. Crying girl has it worse than I do, I honestly believe that. So as I have been feeling sorry for myself the last few months, I am hoping that today that will change. At least I am not crying at the FCCJ library for all the world to see. This girl must have it pretty bad. Now that I am done typing this blog I just realized that maybe this girl just wants a little attention. Me too bitch. Me too. To all you girls crying out there (especially in public places) suck it up! Grab yourself a tissue and wipe those alligator tears away. Life could be worse, and I think it is about time we all (including myself) realize that!

Cinderella in crisis.

What the hell am I doing? Do I even know what love is? I have been in love with the same boy for a while now. I don't know how I grew to love this guy so much, but no matter what I do he is in the back of my head. Some say it is infatuation... I don't believe so. That would be crazy. I think it is that I truly love him. It makes me sick to love him, and I wish I could change it. But I can't. I like to believe in soul mates.. Is he mine? He must be. Otherwise, I wouldn't go crazy when I hear his name. I feel like the world is against us at times. We have been through so much, and have led different lives. At the end of the day though, he is what I want. I love seeing him, even when I hate him the most. Many great men have tried to get me away from him, and failed. Or they do get me away from him for a while, but I always go back. Do I like self inflicted torture? Do I go on and pretend that one day we will be perfect, just like Cinderella and Prince Charming. I guess that is how I can explain us. I am the lowly Cinderella, and he is Prince Charming (well, kind of anyways.) He is incredible. He has the power to build me up higher than I could ever care to go... Although he also has the power to destroy me, and he can do that with his pinky finger. I find myself at a crossroad.. Do I put everything on the line for him? Deep down I feel like we will end up together... So do I waste my time dating other people? Or do I wait for him to come around? There is no easy answer, and God I wish there was. Is love always this confusing? I don't get it. I guess I just wait.. I just wait and maybe the time will come when I know in my heart what my future holds.. It will either include him, or not.. It is that simple... I hate the dumb fuck, I hate him so much that my feelings backfire constantly and then I find myself loving him more.. I miss the days in middle school when relationships were so easy! "Will you go out with me? I love you." That simple, sweet and innocent. Why can't I go back to those times? Would my life be better if I had never reconnected with this man who owns my heart? The answer is yes. HOWEVER- If we end up together, I feel like all of this torture will be worth it. God, give me an answer. Tonka, I hate you.

Kids say the darnest things!

I am tired. I was tired when I got home. Im still fucking tired. And I will prob continue to be tired for the next 5 hours when I finally go to sleep. Either way, an interesting thing happened to me today...
My mother's goddaughter's name is Gracie. She is 10 years old and such a sweet girl. I love Gracie, and I remember when she was first born. Isn't that incredible? To remember somebody as a baby, and then watch them get taller and taller? My, how our parents must feel! Anyways.. back to the point.. When I walked in to say hi to Gracie we did the usual "hello, aren't you pretty, bla bla bla." But it couldn't be left at that now could it? Oh no! Poor sweet little Gracie, as innocent as can be looks up to me and asks, so pleasantly I might add.. "Charlotte, When are you going to have your baby." So this is how that coversation went...
C: Gracie, I am not having a baby.
G: Oh yes you are, Nanna (her very sweet grandmother who I love very much) said that you were having a baby.
C: Well, Im not Gracie.
G: Yes you are.
C: No Gracie I am not. (It is at this point that I realize I will not win this arguement, so I decide to change tactics.)
C: Gracie, Your grandmother lied to you.
G: (Shocked) NO SHE DIDN"T!
C: Im sorry gracie, but nanna lied to you. I am not having a baby.
G: My nanna doesn't LIE!
(So now my mother gets involved. Mind you, my mother is somewhat nervously laughing in the background. Mom is prob wondering if I am upset, or if I am ok. Overall, I handle this convo pretty well. My mother tells me that I need to tell G the truth. Mom=M)
M: Char, Tell her the truth.
C: gracie, Im sorry. But your nanna did lie to you.
M: CHARLOTTE!
G: When are you having the baby?
C: Gracie, the baby died.
G: No it didn't.
(At this point I am think, seriously? I am telling you my fucking baby died and you are accusing me of lying? Little bitch, oh wait... She is only a 10 year old. I realize I need to be sensitive.)
C: Gracie, the baby died in my tummy honey. (notice, I used the word honey. It shows my sensitivity.)
G: Really?
M: Yes Gracie, Char is not pregnant.
G: Oh my God.
C: Its ok Gracie.
G: I cant believe your baby died Charlotte!
C: Really, it's fine.
G: (I swear to God this is what she said) Somebody needs a very big hug then!
(Mom busts out with laughter)
C: Ugh... No, Im ok Gracie. Thanks though.
(At this point I put a couple of my dogs in between Gracie and I, thinking it would solve this hugging bullshit.)
G: Charlotte needs a hug! (And she is saying this dead serious like)
C: (Under my breath I say fuck... then go to her) Ok Gracie.
(We hug now, for about 2.3 seconds. max)
G: Would your baby have been a girl or boy?
C: Um... It would have been a little Gracie.. (Which is a lie because I think the kid would have been a boy who would have been born this past week and whose name would be Archer.)
G: Oh I see... Gracie Junior... You would have called her Gracie Jr.
C: yes, I like that name. Gracie Jr.
I then go take a shower. I would love to be a 10 year old again. They seem to have so much more wisdom than any dumb 25 year old! At the end of the day, I learned a lot from Gracie today. I learned that (1) People still care, which is nice to know sometimes and (2) If I hadn't had the miscarriage, my baby boy would have apparently been named Gracie Junior.

These are the words of a bitter woman..

I have a couple of close friends of mine going through relationship troubles. Pregnancy, married boyfriends, boys with girlfriends, assholes that pretend to be men.. and my personal favorite, the guys who can’t commit to anything past breakfast. It is such a shame for me to see myself, and other very strong woman I know, go through these problems. Why? What pushes a woman to the point of going crazy about some boy? Do not misunderstand me; I have dated a lot of great men. Men that would have done anything for me, and the sad thing is I currently have a couple of these men wishing I would allow them the opportunity of taking me out on a date.. SO WHY? What the Hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I date a good man? A man that takes me out to dinner, calls me beautiful, sends me flowers and takes me on horse drawn carriage rides? Is my head so fucked up by my previous assholes that I am so shaded to allow myself to be treated with respect? Why am I pushed to the point where I am typing on the fucking computer with the only goal of posting this shit on my high school ass MySpace? I mean really… I have better things to do… For example, I could be doing school work, out at the movies or having a beer with a girlfriend, or I could even be on a date.. But oh shit… Heaven forbid I give a good man a chance.. Heaven forbid I use the brain that the good God gave me.. Oh no, I would rather sit around my house and type on a fucking computer… Seriously, what the fuck? Why does one of my favorite friends sit at home crying all night over some prick that didn’t deserve her in the first place? The same exact reason that I am typing on this bull shit computer… Little boys… Little boys who are not sure what they want in life, but they want to keep you hanging on by a string JUST INCASE they decide they want you… Seriously ....Charlotte....? You are not a desperate woman, so why are you acting like one? And I ask that same question to my girlfriends with such dick ex’s that it makes me sick that they even dated them… I suppose the only way to get out of the situation I, and my fellow girlfriends with little prick ex’s, is to just get out there! Get out there.. Bitch you are single, and young, and pretty… SO get the Hell out there! Have the time of your life, because we deserve it.. I hate to sound like every other bitter woman I know, but seriously… We deserve better…. At the end of the day, I am positive that my Napoleon complex ex’s and my friends ex are will miss us… And I am sure they will find themselves dreaming of us at the exact moment that we accept the fact that WE deserve bigger and better dick… All we have to do is believe that this moment will happen, because it will. I swear it will… So ladies… Stay strong… and remember that very soon there will be a time where you say “Fuck you, shitty ex boyfriend, I cried for months over you and you didn’t give a shit. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Call another girl baby doll, because this one is so over your fat ass. Oh and by the way, Fuck you.”

The Truth about Riches?

MY DISCLAIMER: I forgot I even wrote this. I was very heart and upset when I wrote this and was recovering from the recent loss of my baby. I am still unsure about the answers to my questions, but I do believe in love. What is meant to be, will be. Fate maybe? I don't fucking know. I just ramble on about this shit. Lord, why can't relationships be simple? Why can't I fall for the simple man?




I have not had a privledged life. A privledged life to me means that you grow up, or are living with, way too much shit. For example, You have too many pieces of furniture to count. This furniture now lives in your oversized garage. You realize one day that you have 4 to 5 coffee tables, all of which are from the Pottery Barn. Being privledged means that you have more money than you know what to do with. Men and woman that grow up privledged are typically very selfish. Please do not get me wrong, I am also selfish, but in a different way. I like to think most times I put others before myself, and if I pass a homeless man on the street I give him whatever cash I have. The privledged, or rich, believe that they own the world and nobody is better than them. some people may comment that I sound jealous of these people. Damn right Im jealous. I work 55 to 60 hour weeks, and have always had a solid job. I barley get by and I have too many credit cards to count. I am not blaming riches for my credit outcome. I just find it hard to like people my age that were able to buy a home at the age of 20 because of a inheritance or because of mommy and daddy. The main thing that pisses me off about "riches" is their unability to handle hard times. I have had hard times my whole life and therefor I have created a type of shell. I believe I can handle any situation, no matter how upsetting. However, if a rich person goes through hard times they simply run away from it or pay someone to deal with it. I think that if I ever find myself rich, I will continue to deal with hard times. My exboyfriend came from money. I wonder if a richey and a poorey can every truley be happy with eachother. Is this why our society has different classes? Is this why the rich man does not want his daughter to marry the lawn man she fell in love with? Is the father only protecting her? I don't get it. Did my ex and I ever have a chance, or did I imagine the love I thought he gave me? The truth about riches is they expect to get what they want, when they want it. So do I accept my boyfriend cheating on me one night because he was drunk and the 22 year old whore had big lips? I mean, he wanted her, so why can't he have her? what is acceptable when dating someone from money? I suppose I should stay away from riches. I don't feel like I would ever be accepted by the family, and I can't beg for their love. Truth about riches is if they want to like you they will. As long as you don't step on their toes. I have found that a lot of people with money are fake. This is heartbreaking. I have been fake before I am sure, but not to an extent where you don't know who the real you is. Is the truth about riches that they have lost theirselves in their own game? Am I being unfair to the good wealthy people of the world? I don't know. Who really knows the truth about riches? Either way, I am tyring to figure it out. Any suggestions?